“The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul.” — Deiter F. Uchtdorf

Life is redundant. Patterns and cycles emerge as we grow older. Whether positive or negative, the patterns do shift, grow, and change with each new experience, but they are always there.

I have always been one to look around me and wish that the gifts, talents, and abilities that I admire in others could somehow magically be part of  me.

When presented with something beautiful I find it difficult to initially see the hours of devotion required to bring that thing into existence.  Instead, my own creative deficiencies are made even that much more apparent by the wonderful art, music, literature, or performance that I have just been blessed to observe.  After the moment passes, I remind myself that, “the only reason you can’t do those things is because you have not dedicated the necessary time to the craft.”  This thought is quickly followed by a rather scathing lecture about all the time, money, and opportunities that have withered away due to my neglect and irresponsibility.  Occasionally I’ll mentally re-commit to spending more time on study, practice, and self improvement.  In the end I usually just resign myself to feeling like a huge failure, allowing the depression to just take control.

I believe that this pattern is one of the most self destructive to emerge in my life. I also believe that this pattern is a social plague, threatening to consume our society. For me, this pattern manifests  in my artistic failures. For others the culprit  could be professional, family, school, or even substance related.

In grade school we  are taught to compare and contrast.  Look at two things.  What is similar? What is different? Is one better than the other?

As we grow older we take this lesson, throw in a few cups of  twisted, unrealistic cultural standards,  add an unhealthy dose of poor self-esteem, shake it up, add a garnish and drink it down like a co-ed trying to impress at her first frat party.  Before too long we aren’t invited to the parties; we’re alone and drunk on our own self-loathing.

Recognition is the first part of  changing the pattern.  The hardest step is finding the desire, courage, and motivation to act on that recognition. All change takes work, and lots of it.  I find that the choice to act is always there.  While the work required may not get easier the choice to act always does.

A new pattern has begun to appear in my life.  I call it different things depending on the day, but most often the pattern is Happiness and Hope.

Action brings a feeling of accomplishment and an increased understanding of who I am and who I’m going to be.    The hope and potential of who I will be is so far beyond my most daring imaginations.  That knowledge alone is enough to make me everything I want to be and more.

“Don’t let the voice of critics paralyze you. You will make the world a better place… The more you trust and rely on the Spirit, the greater your capacity to CREATE.”

— Deiter F. Uchtdorf


The Greener Consumer

My sister recently started this blog, and asked me to contribute. I just published my first post on the blog. Check it out HERE!!!!

Gray Street

I’m in Utah…. Utah. I can honestly say that in the last 10 years I would have never expected to come back to Utah. 

Excluding my week-long stop in Ohio, the trip took 37 hours of road time, and about 32 of it was actually spent driving.   90 gallons of gas, $266 dollars, and just over 2400 miles bring me to the center of Salt Lake City. It’s crazy. Everything I need is within walking distance, and all the people I call family (with the exception of Brianne, Peter, and a couple of friends in Provo) might as well be on Mars, or at least on the other side of the world, for as often as I’ll get to be with them.

Starting over in a new city is a mostly exciting thing. New faces, new things to do, and a new identity to create for yourself. The possibilities are endless… and for the first time in my life, all I want are the old faces, and the old routine. I like the me that I am right now. I’m happy, most days, and I wouldn’t mind staying that way for a while.

It would seem that the Lord has other things for me to do.  I’m a little unsure of what is in store for me here.  As a matter of fact, I’m walking on blind faith at this point with the hope that the Lord will show me at least a little of what’s going on. I know that He will at some point.  I already have a few minor miracles to be grateful for.  On my way out here I had to cut all my previously planned meanderings due to a predicted snow storm in Utah.  This was a little irritating, but I made it work and drove into the valley about 1/2 an hour before it began to snow.  Today I went to get my car inspected to get everything transferred over to Utah registration and it passed! I was so worried that it wouldn’t. Also, due to the work I had during December, I was able to pay my first couple months of rent up front so I’m covered until I find work.  The next miracle that I’m hoping for is a job.  All I have to do is pray and keep looking and eventually the perfect one will find me.  I just need ‘eventually’ to be sooner than later.

For the first time in my life I want to be responsible. I want to pay my own way, do my own work, and be proud of who I am and what I’ve accomplished.  I am on my own but not alone.  I find comfort in memories and hope.  I AM supposed to take it on myself to get out of this place. I’m gonna change everything around me into colors bold and bright!