Roman Candles

The last couple of weeks have been exceptionally difficult for me. I have been trying to move forward and I find myself fighting an uphill battle against all my bad habits and routines.  These habits and routines have, in the past, fostered depression and emotional eating, and were a cycle that I almost didn’t come out of.  To find myself struggling with these same patterns again, after so much forward movement, has been extremely discouraging. I told myself that the first big difference this time, is that I recognize these behaviors for what they are, and I’m actually fighting against them, but, to be honest, it doesn’t make me feel any better.

I have been trying to write more, so that I have material to post, but I have been so distracted that it’s been hard to focus on any one thing for more than half an hour.  I have felt disconnected, cold, empty, and distant from everything, and it was killing me.  I couldn’t think of anything to write, so I just started listing things that I love, things that make me smile, and things that make up who I am.  I started with general things, then I got more specific, and the list is still growing.

I hate feeling cold and empty. I want to burn. I want to feel every moment of life, and I want so much passion and vivacity that it almost burns me up.  These are my Roman Candles, in no particular order.

Books. Movies. Music. People. Family. Dancing. Laughing.Live Music. Singing. Playing Music. Autumn in Virginia. Freshly Fallen Snow. Hot Cocoa and Fleece Blankets. Cuddles. Bear Hugs. Music. A Full Moon on a Clear Night. Inside Jokes. Road Trips. Good Music on Road Trips. Spring in Texas. Classic Rock. The First and Last Days of Summer. Oldies. That Smile on a Friend’s Face That Says ‘I’m Glad I Know You’. A Great Showtune. Christmas… the Movies, the Music, and Especially Christmas Morning. Spontaneous Bursts of Song. Bonfires. The Beatles. Lazy Saturday Mornings. The Perfect Spot in Bed When You Wake Up in the Morning.  Stargazing. Texas Thunderstorms. The Smell of Rain. Cheesy 80’s Ballads. 80’s Music in General. Singing At The Top Of Your Lungs. A Hot Bubble Bath. Candles. Daisies. The Blue Ridge Mountains. The Rocky Mountains. The Texas Sky.  A Pacific Sunset. An Atlantic Sunrise. Led Zeppelin. Museums. Big Cities at Night, the Smells, the Sounds, the People. Crowds at Almost Any Big Event. Old Movies. 90’s Music.  Spring Picnics.  Playing In The Rain.  Ya-Ya Moments at Whataburger. Airports. Flying. The ‘What’s Next?’ Game. A Mixed CD. The ‘Do You Remember That One Time?’ Moments. Brand New.  The Feeling You Get When A Child Says Your Name For The First Time… And Every Time After That.  Live Performances of Any Kind (as long as they’re quality).  Live Performances Of Good Friends (bad or good, they’re usually, at the very least, an interesting story.)  A Really Amazing Tenor Voice. A Really Great Bass Note.  Any Good Times Spent With Friends. Drive-In Movies. Voicemail Messages That Make Me Smile.  Conversations That Unintentionally Last LONG Into The Night. A Baby’s Laugh. A Toddler’s Laugh. A 3 Year Old Girl Singing Songs From Sleeping Beauty and Dancing Around the Living Room.  Puppies. A Good Book, a Warm Blanket, and a Well Lit Fireplace.  Jimmy Eat World. Holidays Spent With Family and/or Friends.  The Footbridge.  Oh, Shenandoah.  Memories of High School.  My Imagination. Kindred Spirits.